Reality Television is a fragment by Jack Rusher, published here Thursday, February 03, 2005. It is part of Stories.
A pitch made to an American television network that, for legal reasons, must remain nameless, but which we will refer to as Marmot. The presentation should be read aloud with the unbridled enthusiasm of a Mexican wrestling commentator.
Dedicated to Sam.
Update 2004-02-09: The BBC’s Channel 4 is actually broadcasting a Guantánamo Bay torture reality show.
Fear Factor: Guantánamo Bay
Idea: Captured “militants” are stripped, hooded, fondled, and put through a series of rigorous trials of the sort that Rush Limbaugh calls, “people having a good time,” and “[an] emotional release.” The most resilient competitors move on the the nipple-electrodes bonus round, with winners receiving the right to eat, sleep, bathe and pray.
Fashion Tie-in: The mullet was “in” last year; let's make next year the year of the hood!
American Gladiator: Seniors Division
Idea: Ten geriatric Americans are armed with cudgels and released into an octagonal cage, at the center of which is a small bottle containing a single dose of the high blood pressure medication that they all need to survive. The last one standing wins a free month’s supply of prescription drugs from the show’s corporate sponsors.
Promotional Slogan: This medicine is to die for!
Survivor: Hostage
Idea: A group of American journalists are captured by Iraqi insurgents who attempt to ransom them in exchange for political prisoners while a film crew follows the proceedings, reporting on the day-to-day life of the prisoners.
Revenue Opportunity: The audience will be given the opportunity to use pay-per-dial voting to determine the order in which the hostages are beheaded.
Like the Dickens!
Idea: Following the success of Frontier House, this show concentrates on the exploits of a formerly working class family of six living in a single room after they’ve fallen through the newly widened gaps in the American social safety net.
Sample Episode Plot: Converting the children from a cost center to a profit center through the President’s new “early employment” program.
Marketing Tie-in: A full line of Like the Dickens! oat-gruel products, possibly distributed through school lunch-room vending machines.