Warning Label is a fragment by Jack Rusher, published here Friday, January 09, 2004. It is part of Stories.
I read the label, but I probably shouldn’t have.
When I’m sick I read. It’s how I pass the time. The last time I was really sick, just a few weeks ago, I read the complete warning booklet that came in the bag with my medicine. It went like this:
Some people experience mild side effects like nausea, difficulty sleeping, drowsiness, difficulty waking up, anxiety, vomiting, weakness, boredom, loss of appetite, tremors, searing pain, dry mouth, sweating, hair loss, decreased sex drive, lycanthropy, impotence, eternal damnation, or yawning. These tend to go away within a few weeks of starting treatment and, in most cases, aren’t serious enough to cause people to stop taking Wonder Cure™.
In some patients this medication causes dropsy, gout, hives and a profound and insatiable thirst for knowledge. If you have a weak constitution, desire earthly comforts, or long for wealth and recognition, you should not take this medication.
You should not drink alcohol while taking Wonder Cure™. If you should do so, be prepared to wake up naked in strange places, among strange people, with no knowledge as to the location of your clothing.
Taking this medication or not taking this medication will result in certain death.
Your symptoms should begin to improve within 1 to 2 weeks of starting treatment; however, it may take your entire lifetime to experience the full benefits of the treatment. Be sure to discuss how you’re feeling with your doctor throughout your treatment.
My treatment continues apace.